Mansplaining Porg

Last night on Discord chat, we discussed:

  • the proper pronunciation of “Ocarina” [we were right all along!];
  • how adorable bats are, aside from vampire bats which are butt and also terrifying;
  • the convergent evolution of Australia’s animal kingdom:
    “You like this normal animal? What if it had pockets on its body and poison somewhere?? Fuck you.”
    -Australia
  • how board games Risk and Catan end friendships;
  • curiosity about the frog hippo nuns called “The Caretakers” in The Last Jedi; and
  • the variety of porgs that we are hoping to see in The Last Jedi.

If there are porgs that are black and white and look like cute little penguins, I will die.”

Star Wars Speculation mod u/CartoonWarp didn’t miss a beat, providing a shopped version of the screaming porg we saw in the full TLJ trailer.

And so, with invaluable input from u/shenanakins and u/needs_more_sprinkles, we added a bow-tie.

And then a monocle.

And then a top hat.

Then a lit cigar for his adorable flipper.

And finally, a jaunty mustache.

u/needs_more_sprinkles:
That is a man who would smoke expensive Cuban cigars and tell me my opinions don’t matter.
He’s everything we could have hoped for.
Thank you.

 

And with that, the Mansplaining Porg was born.

Create your own here and share your creations with us on our Tumblr page!

Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to gatekeeping. Sexistly.

– R F S

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Obligatory

A mere two days away from graduating from high school in 1996, I ran–not walked–RAN to opening night of Twister. I emerged from the cineplex gnashing my teeth that I endured every scene and not one fucking time did Helen Hunt exclaim to Bill Paxton or Jamie Gertz, “Right hand, blue!” or see Philip Seymour Hoffman and Alan Ruck locked in a contortionist’s nightmare before falling on the ground cackling with glee. Not once. Just some stupid cow flying through the air, whoopdee woo.

Fast forward 21 years later, and I was delighted that an industry friend invited me to an early screening of Geostorm, starring Gerard Butler as “Guy Trying to Do American Accent Again” and directed by Dean “Also Makes Bad Movies, Not Just My Creative Partner Roland Emmerich” Devlin. Again, what the fuck with this movie. Gerard Butler spent more time in a hoity toity spaceship than he did a car, much less one even MADE by Geo! I mean… don’t misunderstand me, I’m glad that the movie wasn’t called Geometro or Geoprizm or, even worse, Geotracker. But SPOILER ALERT: There are no shitty cars from the 1990s in this film. Like, anywhere. Instead, it’s about weather murder or something.

And NOW, we have Solo: A Star Wars Story. I AM COMING OUT OF MY SKIN with anticipation to see how Ron Howard righted this ship. It’s no secret that Lucasfilm axed Phil Lord & Chris Miller for attempting to make the film all about this cute backstory of some arrogant smuggler person. I’m now waiting with baited breath for Ron Howard’s telling of what exactly it is that the brilliant Donald Glover’s Lando Calrissian will actually be fucking drinking from the crimson nectar-bearer. May 25th can’t come soon enough.

-R F S

Star Wars The Force Awakens: A Chris Nolan Fan Trailer

Let’s take a trip in the wayback machine to when Colin Trevorrow was axed from Episode IX. It seems so long ago. Do you remember where you where? God, such a tragedy.

Anyway.

Before J.J. Abrams was announced (which already had seemed like the most likely outcome), some of us here on The Shadow Council were more or less pipe-dreaming about who would be a dream director to do Ep IX. Chris Nolan was, of course, mentioned among Spielberg, Jackson, Villeneuve, etc.

Chris Nolan would actually be a logistical impossibility with this short of notice, full stop. His production company, Syncopy, is contractually tied to Warner Bros. almost forevermore. But, hell, let’s dream.

So with that idea in mind–and because I was already deep into an editing project–I decided to put together my own edit inspired by the Inception trailer. What occurred to me was that the Inception trailer itself wasn’t only putting on display the overall plot of the film, but we saw hints of Cobb’s motivation really was just him trying to “go home.” This theme plays throughout The Force Awakens of errybody goin’ home, so I used a touch of that as well. I hope you enjoy.